change the locks!

I had a dream last night. Jian Ghomeshi was a friend of mine, and he had a key to my house since he came over often. Suddenly, I realised I couldn't be alone with him. When he came over, I made sure that our other friends were there. And somehow I was going to have to change the locks pronto, without him knowing.

I will admit that I am not a regular listener of CBC radio. I was an avid CBC radio fan when I stayed home with the kids; Shelagh Rogers and Annamaria Tremonti were often the only adult voices I'd hear for long stretches in a day. So I've been able to dispassionately watch the Ghomeshi scandal unfold from a distance. Which is why I was surprised to have had such a dream about him and the situation.

***

Just a week ago, I was in lockdown in my office tower in downtown Ottawa. There was a shooting, rumours of multiple gunmen, and Twitter speculation run amok. It was scary. Then it ended and I went home. Commenters said that Canada had lost its innocence; others retorted that Canadians, and Ottawans, are resilient.

Then Sunday night, news on a completely different front emerged about the increasingly-scandal-mired Ghomeshi. Andrew Coyne tweeted, "Okay, NOW we've lost our innocence." It was a joke, commenting on the surprising details of the radio host's confessed sexual proclivities. And I giggled, but as the days wear on, I realise there is a deep truth in that tweet.

A potential terrorist threat is scary, and it rattles us, but it didn't shake me permanently, certainly not personally. Terror-related deaths in the West are remarkable precisely because they are rare. And, to be honest, they do not terrify me. Some might say I'm not letting the terrorists win. What is in fact frightening, and keeps me up at night, is the ever-present threat to girls' and women's personal safety.

As a mom of two girls, I was shaken to be reminded in the swirl of the media/social media analysis that four in ten girls and women over the age of 16 are victims of sexual assault. FOUR IN TEN. Let that sink in. That means that statistically, 6 or 7 of The Bean's grade 7 classmates will be victims of sexual assault. The scariest part is that you can't tell by looking at them that certain men will carry out those terrible acts of sexual violence. Worse, it will likely be someone she knows and perhaps even trusts. And he may even have a voice like silk and a self-depricating way about him.

I think that's why so many people have had such a strong reaction to this: our collective trust has been broken. We are reminded that the nice guys we know may not be all that nice after all. We have, indeed, lost our innocence.

My most visceral reaction is to "change the locks" - keep myself and the girls locked up, inside, safe. While the guys get to walk around and do whatever they please.

It's time. It is TIME that the onus stop being on us, the girls and women, to be the sole keepers of female safety. It is time that boys and men, and women and media, understand that we are collectively responsible for changing the conversation. There are those far more informed and talented than I who have offered ways in which to switch gears, so I won't elaborate here. I will say this, however: I want to raise my soon-to-be-teenage daughters in a time and place where they don't have to be locked up. Let's not let the terrorists abusers win.