Relationships between girls and their moms are complicated. Even in the best, closest relationships, there are minefields and frustrations to be navigated, even among the great fields of love and support.
When I was in my 20s, I probably would have said that my mom was one of my best friends. For so long, it had been just her and me, working through life's tough bits, arm in arm. We survived my dad's cancer and his ultimate death; we later held onto each other through my brother's suicide and our resulting deep and seemingly unending grief. Then, she helped me through the very earliest years of my kids' lives.
Things started to shift when I was in my 30s. The more I grew as a person and uncovered - or rediscovered - who I am, the more I grew separate from my mom. I think it was the inevitable separation that happens when one is not much like one's parents. Our values are different, our worldviews are not the same; this causes tension. I still love her and want to care for her, especially since she's on her own, but there are moments - sometimes many moments - of strain.
This is a very hard thing to admit. Mother's Day is a difficult holiday, with people posting about their "best mom ever" and all the great things they do with their mom. Or with others telling their friends to appreciate their moms while they are here because one day they will be gone.
My mom absolutely did the very best for me. She loves me deeply. She worked hard to give me a good life and to give me all the things she thought I needed and wanted - she still does. And for that, I do appreciate her. And I love her, unconditionally. Love doesn't need to be bound to getting along, and it doesn't need to mean that we don't see the flaws or don't feel the rift. It also doesn't mean that we don't feel pain for what we wish it could be.
To all those who don't have picture-perfect relationships with their moms, it's okay. To those whose moms cause some measure of anxiety, or from whom they are estranged; to those whose moms are a handful or don't quite know how to love us the way we need to be loved; to those whose moms try but just always seem to miss the mark; to those who have found surrogate moms around us - from aunts to in-laws to neighbours to church moms; to all of us: it's okay if you're not posting great declarations of love today, and you are not alone.
