loneliness

We all have our own kryptonite. It usually dates back to our childhood; it's that intangible thing that we couldn't have. For some it's recognition, for others it's respect. Or feeling capable, or safe, or important. Its opposite becomes our Achilles heel, the weakness that will destroy us. Mine is loneliness.

I think the hardest part of this separation has been feeling lonely. I have no one to come home to and share my day with. No one to commiserate about work, or the loads of house work piling up. No one to share the pain of losing a loved one. No one to share a laugh about something the kids did. No one to share memories with. It is quiet and lonely. Damn lonely.

It drives me to distraction. I have filled evenings with all kinds of things: hanging out with friends, exercising, surfing the internet, work, food, HBO, late night dancing, singing at the top of my lungs. Anything to keep me from remembering that I am lonely. I would almost sell my soul some days to keep from being lonely. The nights are the worst, with the crickets chirping and darkness waiting. The resolutions I'd made to be good, to do the right thing, to be healthy, they evaporate.

In the morning, I become sane again. My promises to myself seem so clear. My reassurances that loneliness is okay resurface. And I breathe.