"it has to hurt before it feels better"

I've been holding my tension, which is really just a fancy word for stress, in my neck and shoulders for a good long while. It used to eventually go away. But like so many things that have changed in my body when I hit my mid-thirties, it wasn't going away on its own. A few months ago I was so stiff that I couldn't even lower my shoulders. I looked like I was in a constant state of saying, "whatever," or "I don't know." Which, while both may have been true, I sure didn't want to look like it.

So I asked around and found a really good massage therapist. I had my very first deep tissue massage two months ago. It hurt when she got to those knots and I struggled against her sometimes. She was patient and showed me how to relax into the massage. I took a good, long, hot epsom salt bath when I got home and then just lay in my bed, completely unable to get up to even fix myself some toast for dinner. The next day, I felt like I'd done a four-hour workout. I was so sore that I could barely walk. But within a couple of days, the tension was completely gone, my shoulders were at a normal place well below my ears, and I felt good, relaxed even.

The stress has been building again. I have additional responsibilities at work. At first, it was only to be for a couple of months. I was just keeping the ship pointed in the right direction. But now that my boss has been permanently promoted, I've been asked to stay on a while longer. Suddenly, I have to make long-term decisions on things, and the buck stops with me on some of them. It is a bit scary. And exhilarating - for this adrenaline junky. There are other things going on, too. Some passive house hunting, one or two disastrous dates - the stuff of the soon-to-be-divorced. So my shoulders have been back up around my ears.

I visited my massage therapist again today. I told her about the extreme pain I'd felt the day following my last massage.

"Oh yeah. That's entirely normal. It has to hurt before it feels better. Sometimes a lot. But it always feels better."

I'm hanging onto that today. Because it still hurts.