enough heartbreak for one night

I am heartbroken tonight. This time last night, I read the news that Robin Williams had taken his own life after a battle with depression. While I find the news of his death sad, it is not that news that breaks my heart tonight.

Tonight, I remember my brother, Jeff, and his own struggle with depression that ended with his death, almost 18 years ago.

Today I read articles on depression, articles and posts by distress centres, facebook posts and tweets on how family and friends need to reach out to loved ones.

I do not disagree that we need to reach out to those in pain - that is a given. But I believe it is a mistake to believe that the reaching out alone is a panacea or a cure. That is like assuming that because you've told a cancer victim you love them and are there for them that they will instantly go into remission. Worse, and I know people do not mean this when they say "reach out," it makes those who are left behind after a suicide feel like they could have done more. I could have called one more time. I could have stayed on the line longer. I could have visited more. I could have taken him out more. I could have sent more messages. I could have told him how special he is. I could have….

I could have nothing. There is absolutely nothing more I could have done that would have changed my brother's mind that night when he climbed into his car, turned the ignition, and sat there in a closed garage, waiting, certainly heartbroken at the futility and impossibility of it all. Nothing is exactly what more I could have done. Or my mom. Or his best friend. We all did something. Multiple somethings. But he was sick. We loved him so very much, but he was sick.

Mental illness is so complex. Laymen like me and you cannot fix it. Should we stop reaching out? No. The same way we should reach out to friends and family who are dying of cancer, heart disease, ALS, whatever. Love them. Always love them.

And just as a patient who has chest pains goes to the hospital, those with mental illness need quality care. That's where the help comes from. I don't know how to cure cancer. I don't know how to cure depression. But I can advocate on my loved one's behalf. I can raise awareness by talking about the disease. I can fundraise. I can. So many things.

I have no answers to what exactly one should say or do. I wish I did. But I do ask that we refrain from the easy "just reach out" as an answer. Enough heartbreak for one night.