do one thing every day that scares you

"Do one thing every day that scares you." This is a modern proverb that gets lumped in with so many others on facebook, twitter, lululemon bags, and inspirational posters.

What if just getting out of bed is the thing that scares you?

Anxiety is an invisible disorder that many people deal with daily. When I was a young mom, with a newborn and toddler, the idea of leaving the house to pick up a carton of milk terrified me. Putting snowsuits, hats, mitts, and boots onto those little bodies, then getting myself ready, then taking the stroller down the stairs of our apartment building, while carrying the baby and coaxing the toddler… It felt impossible. I didn't have a name for it at the time, but it was anxiety.

That anxiety dissipated with time and through learning how to ask people for help. It also helped that my girls, The Bean especially, became more and more independent quite quickly.

It was years before I felt the anxiety again. But the next time, it was different. I felt deep, yet hidden, anxiety within my marriage. And I felt even more anxiety leaving the safety of that relationship to head into the unknown. I had a panic attack - the only one I've ever had - after visiting the house I ended up renting. I was not prepared for the fear that would nearly paralyze me. But I did it, step by step, day by day, I got out of bed and did something that scared me: I got on with living.

Owning a house, one that has needed more work than I ever dreamed of taking on, has brought with it its own challenges. Feeling anxious was a natural state for me from September, when I put an offer on the house, through to March, when the last of the big repairs were done. It was only one evening when I finally sat down to knit for the first time in over half a year, that I realised that something was different. The anxiety had fallen away. I felt peace.

The peace was relatively short-lived.

***

My whole life I've wanted to drive across Canada. I've wanted to experience the big sky of the prairies, to see all the strange natural sites there are to experience, and yes, to see the giant road-side attractions. So when I bought a car over a year ago, that dream started to come into focus. And when Dad said he'd be taking the kids to Vancouver this summer during his time with them, suddenly this was doable: I could take three weeks to drive with the kids from Ottawa to Vancouver, and drop them off with Dad who would later fly them home. And they wouldn't have to endure the drive back. Perfect.

I've got the trip all planned out, from our first day in Sudbury, to camping on Lake Superior, to exploring the Peg, to Stampede in Calgary… But there is always more planning I could do. And I'm used to travelling with another adult - sharing the responsibilities. We set the itinerary, he books the hotels, I research the sites. We set out in the morning, I take the pictures, he tells about the history of the place. Now it's all on me.

I've been feeling that now-familiar throbbing of my upper body, the weight of something - fear - on me. The thing with anxiety is that it is not rational. Putting snowsuits on kids is not complicated. Driving for 600km is not complicated, finding the pre-booked hotel in a new city is not complicated. But I'm scared.

I have thought about just cancelling. It wouldn't be that hard. But then we'd miss out on so much. I'm also excited about this trip. I think it's going to be amazing. So, I'm going to follow the advice of that latter day proverb: for four weeks straight, I'm going to do at least one thing (likely many) that scares me. First stop: Science North.