it still stings

Nearly two years in, the kids are still holding out hope. Maybe they will never stop.

Today in Sunday School, the lesson was about paradise. The kids were asked to list the things that would be in their paradise, and some even made a few drawings. Boo had a list consisting of "no violents," "more time with my hamster Henrietta" - just to name a couple. Then there was the drawing. There was little Henrietta with a big smile on her face, a great big tree in a beautiful field, and Mommy and Daddy were there. Holding hands. The Bean was more straight forward. Her list included "my Mom and Dad aren't divorced."

This afternoon, about half an hour before it was time for me to drop them off at Dad's, they both started complaining that they wanted more time with me. At one point, I told The Bean that I know how hard it is, and that I miss them more than anything when they aren't with me. Boo stormed out of her room and yelled at me: "That's not true. If you missed us, you would have tried harder." She meant, of course, that I would have simply made the marriage work, period. That I'd still be living with Dad.

I took them both by the hand and made them sit down with me right where we were - in the upstairs hallway. Boo wouldn't make eye contact.

"Listen. I won't take long to say this, but I need you to hear me," I waited for Boo to look up. "I DO miss you. And me and Dad not being together has nothing to do with that. At all. We worked hard, really, really hard. And..." My voice broke here. The Bean took my hand. "If I could have made it work so that I could be with you everyday, of course I would have done it."

Boo looked away, not quite satisfied. The Bean gave me a hug, wiped my tears.

Those are tough conversations. It hurts to think that they can imagine that I love them less than I do. I love them with every fibre of my self. And I can't be with their Dad. Those are two truths that coexist and that seem to be impossible for the kids to understand. I'm still working on it. I wish ... well, I'm not always sure what I wish. But I do wish that they were and are happy. That's all I really want for them.