the s&*% just got real

There's nothing like forking out hundreds of thousands of dollars - most of which isn't your own money - to make things feel really real. Especially when you're the only one on the hook for it.

I remember buying our first house over five years ago. It was stressful and hard and there were moments of wondering if this was the right thing. But there were two of us in it. There was someone to bounce ideas off, to be there as a reality check: is this crazy? Is this the right decision? Is this too much money? Is this the right place for us? And we'd talk it over and calm each other down and laugh and dream, together.

Now when I wake up in the middle of the night, worrying that maybe this is the single biggest financial mistake ever, there is no one to talk me off the ledge. No one to say: this is a great deal! And we're going to rock it! One evening last week, I discovered a weird banking snafu; I realised that I wouldn't be able to close on the date I'd negotiated. I started to panic. What if the seller refuses to change the date? What if this all falls through? What if this house isn't going to be mine after all? How am I going to be able to afford anything in this (freaking) neighbourhood?

I felt so alone. It was too late in the evening to call anyone. So I lay awake, wondering what I would do. Of course, the wrinkle got ironed out the next day between my lawyer, real estate agent, and mortgage broker. But not before I cried with relief after talking to my agent.

It's all become very real for the kids, too. Boo has been especially emotional lately. She doesn't like talking about her feelings all that much. On the odd occasion when I'm feeling down and The Bean asks me why I'm sad, Boo will pipe up: "Don't ask her that! It will make her feel more sad!" I try to tell her that talking about how we're feeling helps, but she refuses to listen.

Last week, after Dad dropped them off, Boo was very sad. She said she missed Dad, and she started to cry. After a bit of cajoling, I got out of her that she wants the four of us to be living together. I found it a little odd that this would be coming up now, after nearly two years of being in separate houses. My mom pointed out to me that it makes sense: the kids have probably been holding out some sort of hope, even if unconsciously. My buying a house makes things a lot more formal - and final. Momma and Dad aren't going to be living together anymore.

In the excitement and nervousness about the new house, I do feel the sadness from time to time, too. This really is it. The house title has been transferred over to Dad. I have my portion of the principal on what divorce lawyers call "the marital home." And I'm about to use those funds to buy a totally separate house that is just mine, for just the girls and me. This is big. And very, very real.