can't fight the tears

There is much going on, at home, at work, in my personal life. It's only Tuesday, and it feels like it should be Friday; that's how eventful it's been.

Today, I signed the divorce papers. These are the documents that will be filed with the court. In a few months, I will receive the final papers, declaring the divorce complete. I wasn't sure how it was going to go. I didn't feel anything getting ready to go into the mediator's office this morning. I was careful not to apply my mascara, and even to pack some of my makeup for afterwards (crying can make an awful mess of blush, too). I am nothing if not at once pragmatic and vain.

But there was nothing. I went it, read through the documents, signed and initialed in the spots marked off with tiny Post-It notes. Within ten minutes, I was back on the road, heading toward work. I didn't cry. I listened to the radio, which is sometimes a mistake in such circumstances, and I did get teary when I heard the GooGoo Dolls' "Iris" - specifically the line, "You can't fight the tears that ain't comin'." Yes, I do see the irony. But once the song was done, I was fine again.

The moments I see coming like this - those ones I can brace myself for. And I think, for better or for worse, I am good at that. It's the unexpected moments that throw me facedown into an emotional pit. Like looking for and finding the marriage certificate. Or any Blue Rodeo song that comes up on the radio. Or coming across one of the kids' baby pictures. They all remind me of what we had. Of the things that, while I don't actively try to forget, I still keep to the side. The memories are both beautiful and painful. I think that's called melancholy. That's the phase I'm moving into.