Four years ago today, I moved out of my family home and into what was then a dingy little rental house on the outer edge of the neighbourhood. I would spend the next two and a half weeks cleaning and painting, buying and assembling IKEA furniture, and making the house into a home - a little nest - for my girls and me. And I would be surrounded by the very best in people. That day, four years ago, friends whom I am sure questioned why I was leaving and likely wondered what the hell was going on with me, asked no questions and came, and rolled up their sleeves, and helped me move my stuff, and offered hugs. Other friends, some acquaintances, gave me kitchenware and appliances, beds for my girls, a couch and some amazing wood furniture. That night, overwhelmed by the grief but also by the raw compassion, I wrote on facebook, "I'm blessed to have so many amazing people in my life to carry me through the dark parts." This is still true.
The following year, to the day, I wrote an homage to Adèle, thanking her (and her music) for having taken me through a tough year. That album still touches me, though the songs bring melancholy now instead of deep sorrow. There is a sort of hope to them now, too, because I got through that year, and a few more since.
Two years ago, on this day, I quoted Bruce Cockburn, "Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight." I'd heard the Barenaked Ladies' version on the radio as I was driving down the road, and I remember singing along, tears streaming down my face. Things were still hard. I was still really sad. Those words ring true today, as do the ones that follow: "You gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight."
And finally, a year ago today, The Bean left me a sweet little note on my bedside table. I was in a great place. My kids were happy and healthy, our home was safe and warm, and I was simply happy. The note represents how good things were, and continue to be.
Four years. Four years that I feel are split right down the middle at this point. Two years of great grief, and two years of coming out into the light, after having kicked at the darkness for so long. Now the girls and I have a house to call our own. We have never wanted for anything; even those early days were filled with generosity.
I am in a really great spot right now, on many fronts. I have energy and gifts to share with others. There has been so much generosity poured out to us, that our cup runs over. The girls and I have continually learned from that generosity and strive to pour it out to others. Once, our nest was the safe place we escaped to, for safety, for quiet. Now, it is the place from which we take flight and soar. And it is so very good.
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