the shaky hug

There is a thing that happens to a young girl (I cannot speak for what happens to boys, but I think it might be very similar): around age 10, she goes from being the lovely little stable being she's been since she gave up being a troublesome preschooler, and she moves into the moody stage. At first, it is barely noticeable: in the moment, she loses her temper, then she's back to herself for days, sometimes weeks. But soon the episodes become more frequent and last longer.

I remember being about 12 or 13 and getting so mad at my mom, and just yelling at her and slamming my bedroom door. And I remember that feeling of being utterly out of control; it was frightening. My mom was incredibly patient with me. She never yelled back (I am guilty of having done this), never told me to cut it out (also guilty). I was allowed the space I so desperately needed, and the opportunity to come out of it, with dignity. I have learned that the outbursts are out of my girls' control. I try to remind myself of that. In a house of girls, we'll all have to remember that, from time to time!

The Bean has learned to recognize when it's a hormonal outburst. She hates it, but she sees it for what it is. We came up with a "cure" a while back, and it seems to be working on Boo now, too. It's pretty simple: when one of them is in a grumpy mood and she just can't shake it, I give her a hug - not just any hug, though. It's a shaky hug. It's always welcome, but it looks reluctant from the outside, at least at first. She's usually slumped and I'm doing all the "work" of the hug. Here are the instructions, in case you want to try it at home:

• take slumpy, grumpy girl into your arms
• hold her close
• bounce from side to side
• say, "shaky hug, shaky hug, shaky shaky shaky hug."
• repeat as needed

It sounds ridiculous. It looks ridiculous. It feels ridiculous. Which is precisely why it seems to work: within seconds, she softens, and a few seconds later I get giggles. 

The thing I've learned is that they just need an excuse to come back - back to me, back to themselves, back to us. To repair the frayed bonds of our relationship. It's clear that it's what they each so desperately need and want, but don't know how to do. Silliness seems to do the trick. It's easy for anyone to get sucked into a vortex of anger and to feed it and not let go. But how many times do we just need a little release of frustration, and then let it all go? I know I do. So I try to afford that to my girls. 

It turns out it works on grumpy women, too, by the way. Just the other day, The Bean noticed a dark cloud over my head, and came over to me to give me a shaky hug. It fixed everything.