the practice of saying No

Bedtime is always a moment of sharing for my girls. If there is something that's bothering them, I can almost count on it being discussed at bedtime. I try not to be too skeptical and choose to believe that it's not a delay tactic, but rather a moment when we can avoid eye contact, since we're cuddled in the dark. It's also a moment of intimacy and of withdrawal from the hubbub of everyday life.

With Boo, I can usually guess what she'll bring up - it's something that got her upset in the day and that caused her to shut down on me. With The Bean, it's always a big surprise.

Tonight, The Bean announced, "I find it really hard to say no."

Man. Not the words I want to hear from my 12-year-old daughter.

I have never had to worry about Boo saying no - she practices on me and her Dad and her sister all the time. I have a pretty good sense that as she grows up, she'll be able to hold her own against friends who want to do something she thinks is stupid (though we're all in trouble if she's the one who comes up with the idea - but that's another matter). But The Bean is a pleaser. I've always known that. Yet to have her voice it in such a direct way was, well, a shock. At least she's self-aware, I guess.

She noticed it this evening when my mom called. Grandma had been dispatched to find a pair of black slacks for The Bean for her choir outfit. Grandma called from the store, announcing she'd found a pair, "not quite leggings," she said, "they are these new things they call jeggings." (Have I mentioned how cute my mom is?) The Bean couldn't even bring herself to tell her grandmother that she was on the wrong track; she handed the phone over to me. I set my mom straight, and she offered to go to another store. Easy peasy.

The thing is this: I can't possibly blame my kid for finding the word no so difficult. I spent the first 35 years of my life saying yes, to everyone, to everything (mostly). It nearly drove me mad, quite literally. I had to learn to say no so that I could keep my self intact.

As The Bean's mom, I could have, of course, gone through the deep philosophical and psychological reasons one must learn to say no. Instead, I focused on the practical, since this child is both pragmatic and logical. We talked through the fact that she wouldn't have ended up with what she needed, and that grandma would have spent money for nothing, and we'd still need to go out and buy something else. That struck a chord. So we're on the right track.

I've asked her to practice saying no. Not just for its own sake, of course, but when she means it. Hopefully she'll have some practice by the time the stakes are higher. Maybe I'll also help her develop a sneer and an are-you-kidding-me side glance. I know she has it in her.