selfishness of love

A few years ago, as my girls had passed the pre-school years, I began yearning for another baby. My partner and I had taken some pretty permanent steps years earlier to avoid unexpected surprises. The urge was strong, nevertheless. We even discussed - well, I urged, he reasoned - having things reversed. He would ask me, "but why do you want another one?"

The answer was never strong enough. Because I want a cuddly little baby to love and hold and care for, isn't exactly reasonable. But I got to thinking: does anyone ever have a child for a logical reason? I know many people who think that couples who are childless by choice are selfish. I came to the opposite conclusion: having a child is a selfish endeavour. There is no logical reason to want to create another human being to be on this polluted, violent, fear-filled earth. Whatever the reasons cited, they are for the parents' benefit. (As a sidebar, I always tell the kids that I had Boo so that The Bean would have someone to play with. But that's selfish, too: it keeps The Bean happy and keeps me from having to entertain her endlessly.)

That's not to say that we shouldn't continue having children. And it's not to say that being a parent isn't the best thing that ever happened to me - because it is. But that's the point: it's the best thing that ever happened to ME.

So it got me to thinking about romantic relationships. I've been single for a little while now. I have moments of wondering if I'll be single for decades like my mom was; after my dad died, she was single for 18 years! I tremble a little at the idea. I don't want to be alone. I want to be in a good, caring relationship. But… again, the main reasons seem selfish. I want someone to talk to at the end of the day, I want to be held when I'm sad and to have someone to toast my accomplishments. I want someone that I can care for and who will care for me.

I get bogged down in these thoughts, and it reminds me of a Friends episode where Phoebe is convinced that people never do nice things for others; they do them for themselves. Because it makes them feel good, one way or another. In her view, there's really no such thing as a truly selfless act.

Here's the thing: I think she's right, in a way. I love being helpful to others and taking care of my kids and my friends, and a partner, and even strangers. It makes me feel good. That's the point, though. I think that the good feeling is there so that I'll do it again. It's what makes us human. We're all connected to each other. We thrive in community. We're hard wired to take care of each other, to want to connect and be with one another.

I write this on my one evening of the week that the kids are with Dad, and I am alone. In a quiet house. Wanting to be with them. But also yearning for a partner. Selfish? Maybe. But I am ready to open my heart and care for someone, and have him care for me.